Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
