All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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