I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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