He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
not ubering you a puppy
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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