mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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