Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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