if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
