and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
