I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
