Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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