i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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