there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
