I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
being pregnant is like rehab
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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