Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
