There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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