I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
