Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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