I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
