was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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