Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize