i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Help. Why am I so naked?
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