When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
