just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
