My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
