first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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