If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
