There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
