Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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