quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
