I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
