How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
