There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
