That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
