apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
