i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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