I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
