Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
