I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
