He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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