Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
