I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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