I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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