he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He felt like a one man threesome
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
