we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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