I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
