How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
