But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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