tonight lets celebrate not being married
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
