Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
