he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
