Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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