he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
