And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
