My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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