Can i not drive my cunt home
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
