I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
