dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
