Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
